Disclosure: This article is satirical and not based in any fact other than we love the Eurovision Song Contest and puns and dad jokes and jokes that aren’t jokes and we’re all a little punchy going into the homestretch.
The 2024 Eurovision Song Contest rehearsals have started and below are exclusive insights straight from the press room in the arena. (There is no press access to rehearsals. That’s the joke.)
CYPRUS
- Silia’s props were sadly held up in customs and so she’s left with LEDs and male dancers. When asked about the delays she replied, “Who cares as long as I have my boys I know I won’t be going down under. We’re winning this semi!”
- Silia said she’s mostly “preserving my vocal, because I know everyone is expecting me to hit these impossible notes…” She abruptly stopped talking because she realized she was in fact, not preserving her vocal by speaking with us.
SERBIA
- DYK Teya Dora’s rock was shipped to Malmö by sea? A controversial piece of news because it took 4 months to make it to Malmö (it really fits with the theme of “Ramonda”, as it represents hope from a life adrift…) and she wasn’t selected as Serbia’s representative until March.
- Teya Dora’s stylist was asked about the inspiration for her stage outfit. He replied enthusiastically, “rags”.
LITHUANIA
- Lithuania’s rehearsal was successful except for one issue… none of the SVT employees were working the cameras or the sound. Folks were overheard praising the technical achievement of the team only to realize it was a totally Lithuanian crew working the boards. After the rehearsal ended, several delegations were seen trying to pay the Lithuanian crew under the table to remain.
IRELAND
- After successfully conjuring up a good-looking dancer and staging package, Bambie Thug began conjuring a qualification on stage. They are a very skilled witch.
- The Nonqualification Security Council of Ireland (NQSCI) has issued a statement that Bambie’s actions must be stopped at all costs, even in the case that another witch might duel them directly.
UKRAINE
- By the power of divine intervention, alyona alyona and Jerry Heil created a cohesive show inspired by the question “What if Joan of Arc joined the cast of hulu’s hit series Shōgun?” Now what other intercessions are needed to get to the top three?
POLAND
- We’ve found the exact coordinates for the tower built by Luna.
- Luna has confirmed that she is a stand user.
- What more does Luna have to do to get Bambi Thug’s attention? She’d not only rather have the moon than a star, but she is a moon!
CROATIA
- Baby Lasagnas took the feedback fans provided and decided to do a combination of traditional wear AND has changed his name to “Bejba Lasagna”, to pay homage to his favorite pop starlet, Blanka.
CZECHIA
- The delegation has scrapped the pedestal Aiko was previously using for her choreography and has instead given her a wide square pit, similar to a sandbox. The HOD mentions that Aiko will appreciate its ‘ironic quality’
GREECE
- Marina and company have now exhausted their ninth cameraman. The choreography proved too demanding for any human being capturing the Greek act, so they have resorted to 360 Drone.
GEORGIA
- The Malmö fire brigade will bring some unexpected heat to Nutsa’s performance, suggesting a sexy look into the venue’s fire emergency evacuation code.
ICELAND
- Poland’s towers had to be removed from the Malmö arena before Hera would agree to go onstage. She’s that afraid of heights.
NORWAY
- Gåte will give the audience a Eurovision first by turning a volunteer Norwegian person into a werewolf live. The drawing for prospective volunteers will be hosted by NRK on Sunday.
MALTA
- Sarah’s close friend group, the population of Malta, has all decided to support their act by attending the semifinal. The Maltese Government has issued an alert to an emergency national holiday during the week of Eurovision.
SLOVENIA
- Unfortunately, Raiven had to rehearse without her costume, but the forever professional grabbed some paint and leaves from EuroVillage to make things work. She’s so creative.
- Rumor has it the dancers and Raiven are trying to find a way to connect to the dead during the final minute. Maybe, just maybe, we could finally hear the voice of Veronika of Desenice.
FINLAND
- After paying several fines from Local Malmö authorities Windows95 Man arrived in the arena in the same clothes that got him arrested for indecent exposure.
- Malmö police have reported that they are ‘too fine’ to fine.
MOLDOVA
- Natalia’s “In The Middle” of Malmö Arena alone after it was alleged that one of her clones began exhibiting symptoms similar to the 28 Days Later pandemic. Once a triumph in scientific communities, it looks like the scientists will have to go back to the drawing board on cloning.
AZERBAIJAN
- Befitting the title of the song (“Özünlə Apar” translates to “Take Me Away with You”), the staging looks to the future and for a better life. The result is an outfit inspired by velcro, to keep the ones you love stuck to your side.
AUSTRALIA
- I hope RuPaul does not drag our lead vocalist’s outfit for filth, or maybe… let’s keep that dress away from any of the queens, because they may steal Zaacharia’s thunder.
- The Australian delegation bands together for a statement to the Eurovision community that jetlag and time zone change affects nobody in reality.
PORTUGAL
- iolanda’s hair was laid, and the styling was styling! The all white ensemble is giving runway vibes and we’re here for them!
- Could iolanda’s “shout” silence the entire arena? It would be a problem for Tali who is following right after her…
LUXEMBOURG
- Tali’s new bodysuit is givingggggggg, someone finally listened to the interwebs and understood that the whole latex fit she wore in her national final wasn’t giving what needed to be gave.
ESTONIA
- When 5MIINUST and PUULUUP went to retrieve their dresses from the dumpster a family moose had ran off with them, but not before one of the members suffered a very nasty moose bite.
SAN MARINO
- Flo Rida has finally arrived! After a short clarifying pause, the American artist has come to find out that he is now competing alongside Megara to perform “11:11” for San Marino.
ALBANIA
- Besa shocked in a blue and black outfit, however the creative director confirmed that rose-tinted glasses were shipped out across Europe, so the performance will still appear red– ROTW viewers will have to provide their own glasses.
NETHERLANDS
- Joost attempted to eat the giant curry wurst on his backdrop– much to the concern of everyone in the arena.
- Who let the ducks out? WHO?! Someone call pest control ASAP. We don’t want any mess on our stage!
AUSTRIA
- Kaleen prepped for her performance by spending the two weeks prior to arriving in Malmö, at Berghain. When asked why, she replied, “I have become one with the rave.”
DENMARK
- Saba stated the addition of sand in her performance was inspired by her training with Dale Gribble.
BELGIUM
- Mustii’s pants were sourced from Nike/Fanatic’s MLB 2024 line.
ARMENIA
- When asked what inspired their staging they said, “What if the Partridge Family were Armenian? And chickens instead of partridges?”
LATVIA
- In a win for gender equality, Dons is donning the molded torso so often reserved for the ladies! Don’t worry, there’s no nipples, so it’s still safe for instagram!
SWITZERLAND
- While we’ve all been out here running with the narrative that Nemo is the kindest and sweetest and friendliest of all possible artists, they’ve been Cruella de Vil-ing their way through Sesame Street! Poor Telly! (And poor Nemo! They didn’t even get a full-length coat out of it!)
Come back soon to find out what secrets we’ve made up about the Big 6!